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Reachout Trust 24 Ormond Road Richmond Surrey TW10 6TH England Phone & Fax: 0845 241 2158 E-mail A company limited by guarantee registered in England and Wales, number 4162936. A registered charity number 1087085

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MY FREEDOM FROM BONDAGE

I was raised a Roman Catholic. At my first Communion, when I was about 7 years old, I was told that Jesus was now inside me. This made me feel very important. I received a picture of the Last Supper with Jesus and the Apostles, but I didn't understand any of it. We were regular 'churchgoers' and I loved it; I was always asking questions. In my home there were many religious icons, crosses and holy water fonts. I would go to the priest's house for holy water for my mother and I would ask how the holy water became 'holy'; no satisfactory answers were ever given to me.

In my bedroom was a very large picture of the Madonna. I didn't like it and I would turn it to the wall. My mother was horrified and would turn it around again. I forget exactly how old I as, but when I was quite young, maybe 10 or so, during Lent, I went to church to do the 'Stations of the Cross'. While meditating upon the sufferings of Jesus something stirred inside me. I liked Him and felt sorry for Him. I gave myself to Him; I told Him I would follow Him. I couldn't understand why His Father allowed Him to die in such a cruel way; I was afraid of His Father.

Although we were very religious, my family were completely dysfunctional. I saw abuse of every kind and this, in turn, drained my confidence. I became very withdrawn, introverted and extremely shy. I would read my Bible and when I came upon the scripture in Revelation 14 stating that 144,000 were redeemed from the earth I panicked and wondered how that could be. What about everyone else? I didn't understand.

Approaching my teenage years, I felt I had a calling to be a missionary and work with underprivileged children in India. My brother wanted to become a monk. I was used to seeing nuns, priests and monks at school, church, and through visiting Nazareth House where my mother and her two sisters were raised, when their parents died. I never liked these people because they scared me, as did the statues in the churches. I never liked any of that and I thought I must be very wicked.

I didn't become a missionary; I discovered Elvis Presley, Rock n' Roll and, later, the swinging sixties. I met and married a lovely man but he was an unbeliever. Nevertheless, he went for instructions from my priest who allowed us to be married in church. We had 4 sons. At my first son's baptism I listened carefully and I didn't like what was said. It seemed something like an exorcism. I later told my mother that no other child of mine would go through that. She was disgusted. I left the Roman Catholic Church.

Years later my marriage failed. There were many financial difficulties and we argued all the time. My husband had an affair with another woman who became pregnant, so he left. I lost my home, my husband, everything. I was devastated and a complete mess. I was finally rehoused in a Council house. My children were confused, sad and missing their father. I realised we all had a spiritual need and I knew I would have to give them guidelines and take them to Church. I felt guilty for leaving mine, and I would have to teach them religion. I looked out of the window one night and up into the sky and prayed,"God if you are there, please show me where to take the children. Where is the true Church?"

My neighbours were Buddhists and we would talk about religion. They leant me a book entitled The Findhorn Garden. Half way through this book I became afraid because of the spirits, Pan, and fairies that it mentioned. I returned the book stating, "No! It was not for me."

I wondered where I should take my family. I passed the Elim Church and was drawn to it, but because Roman Catholics were against interfaith relationships, I declined to enter in.

Then I began talking with a lady whose child attended the same school as my children. I told her about the book and I asked her is she believed in spirits. "Yes" she replied, "come to my house and I will give you a book to read." The book was, The Truth that Leads to Eternal Life. She was a Jehovah's Witness. I devoured that book and wanted more books. It seemed that at last my questions were being answered. I had many doubts about Catholicism, Buddhism and the diversity of beliefs within Protestant Churches. I questioned, questioned everything, but all my questions were answered, although some answers I did not accept. I was told I should not worry because I was still a babe being fed on milk and later on everything else would fall into place. I was going to meetings even before my divorce was through.

So I was baptised and threw myself into the Jehovah's Witnesses. I held the Tuesday Book Study in my home for years and thought it a privilege to be a part of Jehovah's loving, clean, organisation. It was the only channel God used today. I endured much persecution, especially from my family. I dismissed all offers of boyfriends, worldly associations and even limited my associations with family. Fear controlled my life. "Armageddon is just around the corner," we were continually told, "you must come to the meetings." There were meetings and meetings, I attended 5 Meetings a week, plus pre-studying for the studies, door-to-door work, field service and any studies obtained from the ministry. Life was busy, very busy.

With my work, raising 4 sons and trying to keep them out of trouble, meetings, studying and field service, pretty soon I became quite ill. The pressures were tremendous and soon I had to slow down. "He that endures to the end is the one who will be saved," we were constantly told, "you have to be in the Ark to be saved." The Ark was, of course, The Watchtower Organisation. I was worn out.

When my sons were teenagers they made life very difficult for me. They refused to come to anymore meetings. I was told to discipline them and that rebellious children in ancient times were stoned to death. I had to get them through Armageddon, no matter what it cost. I was so afraid for them. I began to have Armageddon dreams. I was doing less and less in the Ministry and missing meetings, because I was exhausted.

At one time I was trying to be reconciled to my ex-husband. This caused a fuss and I had to go before a judicial committee of three elders. This hearing greatly distressed me because of their very personal questions and the way it was conducted. It felt like an 'Inquisition' and I did not like it. I was told that behind it all was Satan, who was trying to take us out of 'the Truth' and kill us all spiritually. Fear gripped me again and I did not take my husband back.

Events in the Kingdom Hall were beginning to make me stumble. There were divorces, adulteries, affairs, child abuse, mental breakdowns, etc. These were being covered up. A Witness lady, who had scared me with Satan and influenced my decision regarding my husband, went on to have two affairs with married men. Through one she became pregnant and the other man killed himself. By now I was very disillusioned. I learned of many affairs, including Elders, and when I questioned this I was told that I was the one at fault because I was looking at the faults of others. I accepted this for a while.

I then began to look at everything in a more critical light. I questioned more and my answers were different; I had many doubts. Eventually I became inactive in the Kingdom Hall and ceased attending meetings. I worked full time and tried to adjust to being back in the world. I socialised, went abroad on holidays and tried to forget about the Witnesses, but I could not do this because I was mentally trapped. So I would drift in and out, attending some memorials, assemblies, Tuesday groups.

This went on for some years. All the time I prayed to have my doubts removed. Then I became very ill and almost died. In hospital I was asked what religion I was; previously I was down as a Catholic or a Jehovah's Witness (twice refusing blood!) or a Christian or nothing. I wondered who and what I was. I resolved to do something about this at a later date. I began to return to the Witnesses.

Then I suffered more illness and more hospitalisation, but there were no visits from any of my brothers and sisters in all this time. Yet from my "worldly" friends I received much love. I attended a meeting in Penarth where I learned of an elder and missionary who had left the Jehovah's Witnesses. I wondered why? I began to pray, "Please show me the truth so as to clear away all my doubts."

Latter I watched a Kilroy television programme, discussing religions and cults. I phoned the help line number given out at the end of this programme. It was something I had never done before. I was amazed to be told that Jehovah's Witnesses were considered to be a very dangerous cult. From this help line I was bombarded with evidence to support that claim and so began my long, hard journey out of the Watchtower. I went through disbelief, depression, fear and every kind of emotion. I began to research and investigate. I wrote to London Bethel [the British Watchtower headquarters] and had Elders around for discussions, who told me to, "Throw it all in the bin".

I went to an ex-Jehovah's Witness Convention at Cefn Lea to find out for myself. This was the turning point for me as I listened to the testimonies of my brothers and sisters. It was heartbreaking to hear of cruelty beyond belief.

After this Convention I became depressed. I made numerous phone calls to various ex-JWs who were born again Christians. I played one off against the other to test them out. I had various Bibles and other literature around. I searched and read and checked everything out. One of my biggest fears was the fear of being Apostate. I prayed, "Jehovah, Yahweh, God and what do I call you? Who do I pray to?" Someone told me to pray to God as Father. So I prayed, "Father, you know I love you. You know I do not want to be Apostate. I am not leaving you but I am leaving the Watchtower Organisation. Please do not alienate me. I don't want to be separated from you."

I agonised over this and then I read Romans 8 and learned that nothing will ever separate me from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus. I was at peace at last and free of the fear of being Apostate. But still I had much to overcome. I was given a U.C.B. book with a help line number, so I phoned that number. Someone helped me to pray a prayer of faith; after this call I didn't particularly feel much different and I thought it could not be right because it seemed too easy.

I kept on reading the Bible and marvelled at how much I was learning. I was, gradually, deprogramming myself. But something still was missing. Then one day I was praying and I was overwhelmed by all of my past life all previous sins came before me. I remembered things that I had dismissed as unimportant, but now they were horrific to me. The extent and the enormity of them all brought me very low. I was convicted of so much I wondered if God would ever bother with me. I needed to be humbled. I asked for forgiveness and it was then that I surrendered myself to God. I became as a child. I needed my Heavenly Father and I knew that the Lord Jesus Christ was at my side. I didn't really know what had happened to me until I told a friend and he said, "You have been born again."

Much has happened to me since then. Sometimes I don't always know what is going on, but I am being led to various people and in various directions. I am also helping and counselling others who have been victims of religious abuse. I still have much to learn and unlearn. You can leave the Watchtower, but it can take years for the Watchtower to leave you.

So why did God allow me to join a cult when I was sincerely looking for Him? I don't yet fully understand but maybe it was because I was looking for a place and not a person. Because when I was looking for a person, and wanting with all my heart to know God, this was when I found Him in the Lord Jesus Christ. This was when He came to me and it is truly wonderful. I have been baptised three times. I was baptised as a baby and baptised into an organisation. In April 2002, I was baptised into Christ Jesus and, at last, I can truly be His disciple.

Jehovah's Witnesses are kept in a sterile environment. Satan's people are outside the Organisation and to argue with it is likened to arguing with God. Independent thinking is to be avoided. I was told that Satan has a hold on me now. My Jehovah's Witness friends said they no longer wanted me for a friend. I was sent "Apostate Scriptures". Former Witnesses are told they have no eternal life; they belong to Satan; they are dogs which have returned to vomit. To go to a church is the ultimate sin of spiritual fornication. They believe that all churches are demonic, especially the clergy. To them Jesus is the Archangel Michael and He must not be worshipped. To them there is no Cross.

Do not be deceived by the smiling faces at your door. Yes, on the whole, Jehovah's Witnesses are nice folk, but they are peddling a different Gospel and a different Jesus. They are making it up as they go along and their ever-changing beliefs are called "New Light". All their prophecies have failed and they do not fulfil the standards of the true prophets as described in Deuteronomy 18.

For some, to leave the Organisation is very traumatic. It has led some to mental breakdown, marriage break-ups, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction and suicide. Some make the adjustments backs into the world and others do not. Fear will still dominate their lives as they believe there is nowhere to go. Some are still adrift and are lost souls. It affects everyone differently. However, it is not, "where do I go?" but, "to whom do I go?" The inability to trust anyone or any other religion is huge. They, as every former cult member, need all the help and support they can get.